Week 20: First week's results of the OFFL Cup

As the Chairman gazed through His billowing breath at the lofty waning gibbous shining out above His hideaway, the snow fell. News came through that airports were closing all over the country. People were slipping over and roads were becoming treacherous. As a treat to Himself, He decided to choose outrage over reason as His most natural response. Someone, He raspingly ranted inside, Was To Blame. And let's face it, if we ignore the weather offering its own sole role as the reason this season, it must be the Government's fault.

Must be.

Never mind the facts that other snow-vulnerable countries like Russia, Canada and Father Christmas's very own Lapland also close their airports and roads in similar conditions. Yeah. Never mind that. After all, if He was to take that into account it would take the sting out of His cantankery. No, no, forget that, the Chairman decided to be brutishly British.

Dave Clayton, learning to spell in his favourite gay bar

It isn't his fault, at any rate. Nobody advised him to buy a shovel and a bag of salt, did they? How was he to know?

Yes.

The Chairman comforts his own lack of preparedness by blaming the Government.

And with that, he had a marvellous night's kip.

As did Sarah Bingham whose Salad Dodgers jumped up highest with Dave Clayton's Shamone Muddy Funksters - both ascend four places.

It's tense at the top with only eleven points separating the top eight teams. Malcademicals aren't looking as comfortable as they were up there. It must be the cold.

And his haemorrhoids.

The Manager of the Week certificate is to be torn in half and distributed crisp and evenly between Dave Clayton and newcomer Tom Vamos. Both their teams notched up a Christmassy 18 points. As luck would have it, they're also both in the same group in the qualifying round of the OFFL Cup, with Shamone Muddy Funksters edging the lead on Points Per Pound difference.

Is it nearly New Year already?

Week 19: Happy Christmas Again

Alas, when god was handing out the 'I love Mince Pies' badges he pinned Our Chairman's on his chest so hard that he went through to pierce the skin. He hasn't been able to take to them ever since, which only increases his penchant for railing against them at every opportunity.

So, it was with Double Chocolate Yule Log that Two Wise Men came abearing in order to convince the Chairman to let them enter their teams into the league, in time for the OFFL Cup Competition.

And so we welcome Tom Vamos and Jonathan King. No, not that Tom Vamos.

Indeed, West Vam are back in the league after a coupole of years away [in the lower leagues] newcomers, Moobchester United, await their first bit of electronic abuse.

Meanwhile, the Manager of the Week certificate is charitably doled out to Gavin Ward. His team scored a massive 6 points [snigger]. But will that sort of form be enough to see his Wardy Wanderers qualify for the next round of the cup?

You don't have to answer that right now.

Week 18: OFFL Cup First Round Group Stages Announced.

May the cupped bottom commence.  I mean Cup Battle.  Sorry.

Joint Managers of the Week are Chris Walsh and Rob Ivison who both steered their young charges, Lashings Of Cheese and All Hail The Chairman respectively, to a 17 point bounty for the week.

Meanwhile, the top of the table appears a little more compressed with only 17 points separating the top eight places. Fantasy and Reality reflecting each others' whims and wantsies.

Highest climbers are Livercoolio, up four. Lowest stoopers: Inter Milandrover, down four.

But, wait for it, more importantly...

The OFFL Cup
First Round, Weeks 20 to 22 incl.

There are four qualifying groups. The top four of each group qualifies for the second round - a straight knockout competition.

Teams have been put into groups according to this week's league table positioning, i.e. Group A consists of Fat Mal's Malcademicals [1st], Livercoolio [5th], Shamone Muddy Funksters [9th] etc etc while Group B consists of BM Mingmongs [2nd], Woolyback Town AFC [6th], etc etc.

You need to be in the top four. No more teams will be accepted after the forthcoming Monday 1730hrs deadline.

The results will be taken from the scores spanning weeks 20 to 22 inclusively.

So, you'd better get those transfers in if you want to make any sort of impact starting next week.

Good luck.

Group A
Fat Mal's Malcademicals
Livercoolio
Shamone Muddy Funksters
Marmaduke's Army
Lashings of Cheese
Just One Finger Albion
Real Mcdrid
West Vam

Group B
BM Mingmongs
Woolyback Town AFC
RS T-Boy
Moanchester Utd
Budleigh Salterton FC
Dube Stars FC
Menarepigs3

Group C
Pompey Puss
Irishpool
Stay Poyet Stay!
Nuttingham Florist
Salad Dodgers
Freddie's Dreamers
Mintal Disorder

Group D
Wymondham Wanderers
Inter Milandrover
Wardy's Wanderers
Sheep City
All Hail The Chairman
Radnorshire Tigers
Double's Utd

Week 17: It ain't over till the Fat Mally sings

Ray's exit: twice the beginning of Chelsea's demise?

As soon as Neil McConaghy mysteriously sacked his bald Second-In-Command, Ray Willikins, things started to go a bit wrong, culminating this week in the dainty Fat Malcademicals chubbily nudging the near-motionless Mingmongs off the top of the mountain by mopping up one more morsel of a point than he did this week.

Other than that, like a bunged up constipatory boiled egg unmovably rammed between the rigid wallet folds of a Scottish accountant, there's been very little movement in the league.  In fact the biggest movers are Guy Harewood [down 2 to fifth - glad to see those transfers making the difference] and Mike Smears [up 2 to eighth - the tortoise approach to Mr Hare(wood)'s sprained-ankle-while-sprinting approach, very wise].

And no, Mr Smears, you're not getting any more money - at least you have a pension.

And look at the bottom of the table...  that Rachel Jones; has she 'Double' bluffingly lulled Ms Colquhoun-Pronounced-Ka'hoon into a false or true sense of security?

Discuss.

Tis enough to make you go completely Mintal.

Manager of the Week is birthday boy [last week] Alex Blundell for his Moanchester Utd.  The Winchester Whiner scored 14 points this week.  Ah, bless him.

Week 16: Rachel is a bottom feeder

Burlesque dancer, Rachel Jones, on a Friday night [self-portrait, 2010]

Manager of the Week, AGAIN, is Russell Bielby with his Livercoolio netting a net 18 points meaning a climb-up of another three places in the league.

Nick Reed's Stay Poyet Stay! begins to plummet - down four. Big Mally, though, squeezes himself up and onto the perch that is number one in the League, alongside Niel McConaghy. He looks over at the rather annoyed Welshman before pushing his specs up his nose, slapping the boyo on the back and saying "Aw'right Neil? How have you been?", before turning away to admire the view.

As if he cares.

All Hail The Chairman

Let me start that sentence again.

All Hail The Chairman has climbed furthest this week, up four, by scoring a mighty 16 points. Meanwhile, Manager Rob is busy behind the scenes wheeling and a-dealin' in the transfer market hoping to consolidate this week's leap across the 100 point mark.

Now unshackled from the foot of the table, Mintal Disorder leaps further away from bottom-feeding Double Utd and is streaking away to safety. Minty Colquhoun's team now rest 2 points clear of Rachel Jones's.

And talking of OFFL losers, Happy Birthday to Paddy Mirams who celebrated by achieving the worst score of the week. Minus 3 points. Lovely.

Week 15: Presents, Leaving and Leaving Presents

Manager of the Week is Smasher with a ma-hoosively surprising and very large 26 points. Surprising in that the closest rival for the coveted piece of A4 certification [that doesn't really exist these days] was Guy Harewood: a full 7 points behind. This is the very same Guy Harewood who only just managed to see his outgoing transfer Glen Johnson score 6 points for him as a leaving present.

And talking of presents... it's Christmas soon. Which means OFFL Cup first round time.

[Lone and rather feeble 'whoop' at the back - thanks Kate]

Indeed, it's probably about time that we take this chance to see last year's winner receive her prize...

Kate's Cup

http://j.mp/KateCupWin

In the meantime... Inter Milandrover move up six places to fourth, Moanchester up five to fourteenth while dropping like narcoleptic flies are Pompey Puss, Stay Poyet Stay! and Nuttingham Florist [all down two]; Paddy Mirams [down three]; Livercoolio and Irishpool [both down four].

Excruciatingly, Mintal Disorder leapfrog Double's Utd to plonk Rachel Jones' team at the foot of the table.

Well, someone's got to be there. As they do at the other end of course. Yes, BM Mingmongs enjoy an 11 point lead at the top.

Carry on.

2010 OFFL Cup Award Ceremony: Look at what you could've won

The deliciously sexist Kate Wilson [left] receiving her Menarepigs Is Back team's cup prize from one of the taller OFFL Umpa Lumpas[right]

It was a hard fought battle...  Neil Jukes's Decimated Left Peg were favourites to take the trophy and may have had their manager's pending move to Australia on their tiny minds, distracting their final match preparations.

And to prove that the OFFL is truly a family friendly debâcle

In the meantime, Kate Wilson's Menarepigs Is Back had a bit of reshuffle.

And by Reshuffle, we actually mean that she swapped her entire team out for more successful replacements.

So, for the first time in OFFL history, tactics were employed to win the final contest which ended up 22 v 14 at the final whistle.

In her post match interview, Ms Wilson exclaimed

"Oh. My. God. I am quite overcome. I won."

Even little Stanley put on his cycling helmet to join in the family celebratory mosh that is the tradition in the Wilson family home.

So, congratulations Kate.  The OFFL salutes you.

2010's OFFL Cup Prize, now in its rightful place in the Wilson Household

Week 14: Livercoolio On The Up

There's this book, right, and it's a corker. A Real Page-Turner. FULL of magic and stories and tales of duty and heroism and betrayal and temptation and all that sort of fing, right, innit though and that, and, well, there's this one bit where the Irish hero - Jesus O'Nazareth or summink - tells this geezer to get out of his wheelchair and walk. Something like that anyway, I can't remember the details but it's 'mazing, mate, a-maze-zing... [fades into background]

If we replaced the star character of the New Testament with the Manager of the Week Certificate [bear with me here], which is holding out its arms to Russ Bielby [who's just had a not-funny operation] and shouting at him to "WALK, DAMN YOU, WALK!" then I think I might have got away with that bloody awful opening paragraph.

Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen of The OFFL, Russ is recovering from his operation and made his first few steps this week. He should be sent home soon. And he'll have the MofW Certificate to accompany the Nurses' Special Boy Certificate which he earned for eating all his greens.

Well done Russ.

Oh, and for your 30 points for Livercoolio.

Week 13: A Young Man's Game

This man earns more than you

Manager of the Week this week is the aged Mike Smears who hobbles his way up to the Fantasy Post Office to deposit his 10 points - only to find he'll be ninth in the queue for the whole week. Doesn't excuse his yelling obscenities at the traffic of people around him.

Bless his little rubber flexyfoot™ ferrules.

He's getting over-excited about the forthcoming OFFL Cup I 'spect.

Nick Reed. Minus 2. Really?

Week 12: Oh Deer.

While the Chairman mows down half the deer population in Argyle and Bute his Umpa Lumpas take great pleasure in issuing forth this most latest of Studmarks.

Pompey Puss is this week's Manager of the Week.  Coughing up a furball of 21 points - elevating the little scamp into fifth place.

And may we take this opportunity to remind OFFL Managers that the OFFL Cup is just round the corner. And yes, we are indeed still trying to source a prize, worthy enough of this season's winner.

Week 9 and 10: Normal Service Resumed

Always prepared for those
'Nodding off mid-sentence' Moments

Yes, some of you spotted that the Chairman was so tired from all his jet-setting that he actually nodded off mid-sentence last Studmarks.

Normal service has indeed resumed.

Which also means that
* Paddy Mirams' Just One Finger United plummet five places
* RS T-Boy get another Manager of the Week certificate [by scoring 18pts]
* Tom Vamos is still promising his 'interesting' team will be submitted soon
* The words 'Minty' and 'Colquhoun' nestle nicely next to 'Bottom' and 'Bent'
* Inter Milandrover climb five places after a scary foray into mid-table mediocrity.

Normal Service indeed.

Nice, though, to see Neil McConaghy enjoy his birthday in top spot. Happy Birthday sir.

The rest of you can just carry on.

Weeks 06, 07 & 08. Catching up

This week's table reflects the last three weeks of activity.  We have two joint Managers of these Weeks in the shape of Alex Bundell and Neil McConaghy, both of whom netted 45 points for their respective teams.  All transfers made were processed and backdated to the appropriate week in which they started playing for their respective teams.

Normal service shall now resume.

Probably.

Week 4 & 5

No fixtures in Week 4 so we move straight into Week 5.

Manager of the Week is Malcom Pratt with 17 Points for his Fat Mal's Malcademicals

And as the Chairman returns... Livercoolio jumps seven places and RS T-Boy moves up four. Just in time for his wedding anniversary.

Week 3: A lull in the action to commence

We have a new leader, a highest climber, a manager of the week and a someone going to Africa for a month.

And they are Guy Harewood, Edgar Rayner [up ten places], Lionel Larking [with 28 points] and The Chairman* [in search of new footballing talent, of course].

By the way - welcome to the league, Mr Smears.  The most senior amongst the managers.  We look forward to your continued underachieving and your relentless attempts at hoodwinking the Chairman into thinking you deserve some sort of age-related allowance.  Bloody good to have you back.

Oh yes, Alex Blundell has grumpily miserabled his way back into the bottom of the league.

*the OFFL HQ will be travelling with The Chairman to ensure his standard of living does not dip below 'profligate'.

Please continue to submit transfers during this down time.  Accuracy not guaranteed.

Week 2: LOOK AT ALL THEM BLOODY ZULUS

Waiting for the Zulus to finish their cups of tea

'Oh my giddy Aunt' as the Chairman's long dead Grandfather used to say.

It was an expression he often used to evince shock or disbelief, usually in a 'You've got to be Joking' kind of way. It preceded an open palm to his forehead and a disappointed shake of the noggin.

Not the best thing to hear if your little self, in shorts and sandals with an elasticated bow tie pinged around the neck, is naively predicting a proud pat on the pate for presenting him, in cupped dirty fingernailed hands, a potato. Dug from the garden after hearing him exclaim that he was hungry.

But then his grandfather never expected The Chairboy [as he was known back then] to have an over-developed awareness of language and totally disjointed logic at the age of three.

So it is of no surprise then that Our Most Gracious Chairman repeated history when he was presented, earlier today, with a Livercoolio 'potato of transfers'. Yes, by the League's current champion: Russell 'Panic Button' Bielby.

We kid you not, ladies and gentleman.

Ignoring Michael Caine's Zulu advice - to wait until he saw the whites of their eyes - Bielby has only gone and shot himself in the foot [thrice] while the 'Bloody Zulus' are still half a mile away in their trailers enjoying a cup of tea and awaiting their cue from the floor manager to cease polishing their spear tips and stitching back their cattle hide shields in order to assemble 30 metres out of shot.

Oh Mr Bielby... do we have to remind you?

It's a marathon, not a sprint.

Having said that, Guy Harewood is this week's sprinter of the week, I mean manager of the week, with a very impressive 29 points - launching his promising young team of Stirling Charges into second place behind our portly pace-setter, Malcolm. Indeed, Fat Mal's Malcademicals doubles last week's waistline to 48 points.

Menarepigs3 fall dramatically, as if overcome by 'the vapours' in a Jane Austen novel, to slump down [forcing her over-elaborate peplummed bustled crinoline to billow ostentatiously] into the arms of the dashingly handsome, though sinisterly penniless, Gentleman that is Thirteenth Position.

And having gone on Forfar [Athletic] too long, we're going to flounce off, frilly cuffed, into Week 3.

Week 1: The World Cup Legacy

At the opening ceremony - photo by Steve Tierney

As with every olympiad, the world cup this year provided us with many things. 

A strong sense of Welsh national pride for one. 

Let's not forget too that we have also been blessed with the drone of 50,000 vuvuzelas still tinnitussing our every waking hour.

And after many headscratching hours trying to be cautiously prosaic in linking the drone with the Welsh this really was the best we could come up with. 

And then the deluded Welsh amongst us came up with the rest themselves, didn't you...?

Have we started yet? Are we on?

"keep your eye on the ball"

He nervously strokes back some imaginary hair behind each ear. The pad of the index finger gently taps the microphone in front of his mouth with a booming thud-thud that fills the shopping centre foyer. To needlessly reaffirm the amplification he blows his booze-befuddled breath into the semi-globed phonic mesh. Passing shoppers flinch and wince at the sound of this harsh and unnecessary tornado of white-noise being thrown forward from the powerful speakers.

He looks down the front of his waistcoat and sees a rather large skid mark of icing that had once been sitting atop a rather delicious cake which he'd launched himself into earlier that day. He frowns at it. It had been smeared into his front and was now securing tempting looking crumbs to his chest. Lifting his eyebrows he thinks that he might as well pick at these while he waited for their attention. Popping the sponge detritus into his mouth he is sure the cake tasted better this second time round.

An embarrassing amount of time passed.

He could wait no more and conceded defeat by phlegmmily clearing his throat...

Now what followed was, of course, [yes, you know it and I know it], the mad and incoherent bellowing of a man who believed he was giving great succour to the ungrateful Unwashed of the World. There was befuddled inarticulacy about rules and budgets but the delivery and demeanour was of a man who clearly believed, at the very least, that there would one day be a statue of himself, or some such plinth-based commemorative crossbow-wielding cherub, erected in his honour on a busy London park corner.

Not once did the thought that nobody really cared ever wander meaningfully through his misshapen mind to mellow his mania. Not once did he remember the scintillating apathy of the few who electronically turned up every year. And so we start this nonsense all over again.

Of course and yes... this is the official announcement of the opening of the 2010/2011 Office Fantasy Football League by our blessed and deluded Chairman.

He wants you to know that you can pick 11 players. 1 Goalkeeper, 2 Full Backs, 2 Centre Backs, 4 Midfielders and 2 Strikers. You use the Players List as your point of reference. You cannot spend more than £55m. You cannot have more the two payers from the same Premiership club in your side.

Download this spreadsheet and you can't go wrong.

Really, you can't.

Oh and a word of advice...
“It’s a marathon, not a ...oh you know it already”